The Last Time He Saw Them
by elanev91
Summary: In which I think about the last time Sirius saw the Potters and think about what they might have told him. So titled because le lupe couldn't stop me from being stupid and I got tired of trying to come up with something (though this is better than it's original title, 'Sad Sirius,' so you're welcome).


**Inspired by this tumblr post that FF won't let me link to because it's the worst.** **And thanks to professor_riddikulus and** **becauseexposition for the beta xxxxx**

 **I want to be sorry for what you're about to read, but I'm not. x**

* * *

' _He's not your son,' said Sirius quietly._

' _He's as good as,' said Mrs Weasley fiercely. 'Who else has he got?'_

* * *

Harry started fussing in earnest, his tight little fists rubbing fiercely at his eyes as he fought to keep them open. Lily clicked her tongue at him, crossed the kitchen, and scooped him up out of Sirius' arms.

'Just like your father, you are,' she said, bouncing lightly from side to side as she lifted him onto her hip. She pressed a kiss to the top of his head as he buried his face in her neck. 'Always trying to carry on even when you're dead on your feet.'

Her eyes flicked back to meet James' and she raised an amused eyebrow at him. He grinned at her, 'I don't do that.'

Sirius chuckled quietly, rolled his eyes at Lily, 'Yeah, alright, mate,' and James reached over, pushed his shoulder. 'Fuck off,' James said, and they both dissolved into quiet laughter.

She shook her head at the pair of them. 'I'm going to go put him down for the night. Just be quiet until he falls properly asleep, will you.'

James pushed himself to his feet, extended his arms towards her, 'I can put him to bed, love, why don't you relax?'

'No, it's alright,' Lily smiled softly at him, rested her hand on his forearm, 'You did it last night.'

'You sure?'

She nodded, shifted Harry in her arms so that he was settled more firmly on her hip. 'Just put the kettle on for me. And,' she popped up onto her toes, pressed a lingering kiss to James' lips, 'try not to destroy the kitchen while I'm gone.'

She shifted a bit to the right so she could see Sirius and gave him a stern look. 'If I come back to a dog and a stag in my kitchen, I'm killing both of you.'

Sirius held up his hand at her as though he were swearing an oath, and Lily shook her head at him. 'You nerds.'

Sirius shot her a grin, 'That's why you love us.'

She laughed, turned her gaze back to James, raised an eyebrow at him. 'You see what you're making me put up with?'

James just leaned over, kissed the top of Harry's head, and whispered something in Lily's ear. She grinned, then stepped around him and headed out into the corridor.

James smiled to himself as he stepped over to the counter and clicked on Lily's electric kettle (one of the things that continued to fascinate him no matter how often he used it). He grabbed a few mugs from the cupboard, dropped in teabags, and crossed back to the table, fell into the chair next to Sirius, let his eyes fall closed for a moment as he yawned.

'Sorry,' he said, 'I'm just — ' he yawned again, and Sirius laughed. 'Fucking knackered, mate. I get it.'

James pulled the burp cloth off his shoulder, turned it around in his hands for a moment before he dropped it onto the table. 'Yeah. I mean, Harry's exhausting, but it's just like,' he gestured vaguely in the air in front of him, 'you know.'

He shrugged, and Sirius nodded. 'Yeah, Lily said you've been down lately.'

James breathed a bitter laugh. 'She's being generous,' he said. He reached up, brushed his hair back off his forehead.

'Nah, I think she just understands,' Sirius said. James just nodded.

'It can't be easy,' Sirius continued, 'Shit, I know how _I'd_ feel if I had to be trapped inside all the time. Can you imagine if I had to go back to the Black family estate or something, sit there forever?'

'No, I know,' James said, 'it's not — I love this house and I'm not really alone, you know, with Lily and Harry here, I just — I don't know.'

He fell silent, but Sirius, for once, seemed content to let the silence hover between them, to let James take the time to find the words he needed. After a long moment, James sighed. 'I just feel like I'm useless,' he said, 'like we're sitting here and we aren't doing anything. And I know the war is… I know you guys are fighting, for _us,_ and I hate that I'm sitting here doing nothing while you all are risking your lives.'

'It's not like we resent you for it,' Sirius said.

'No, I know, I just,' James stood up automatically the moment the kettle clicked off, crossed the kitchen again and began pouring tea, 'I just feel like we could be doing more. Dumbledore keeps saying that _this_ is enough, but it feels like nothing. And I know that we're in hiding because we have to keep Harry safe and that's important to me, but,' he set the kettle back onto the base, leaned back up against the counter and looked at Sirius.

'I just feel guilty, is all. If you get hurt for me — '

'We're not just doing this for you, mate. We'd be doing this regardless.'

They heard the soft creak of floorboards from overhead and Sirius watched a slow smile spread across James' face. It was one that he'd seen a million times, and though he'd never admit it, it made him exponentially happy every time he saw it.

Lily padded into the kitchen a moment later, her hair hanging down around her shoulders now, and smiled at them. 'Went out like a light, he did,' she said, 'You'll need to come over more often, Pads. Wear him out.'

Sirius laughed, 'I'm just surprised I haven't passed out yet. That kid has some energy.'

Lily walked across the kitchen, ghosted her hand over James' waist, kissed him again. 'I wonder where he gets it?'

James grinned. 'Want to take the tea in the sitting room or?'

Lily nodded, 'Sure. I'll grab some biscuits or something? Sirius,' she started rifling around in the cupboard while James grabbed milk, finished setting the tray, 'what would you like? We've got digestives, ginger newts, probably a packet of bourbons in here somewhere…'

'Whatever,' Sirius stood, pushed in the chairs he and James had been sitting in, 'any biscuit is a good biscuit in my book.'

Lily turned, smiled at him, 'I knew I always liked you for a reason.'

James bumped her with his hip as she walked by, biscuits in hand, and she laughed, shot him a wink as she continued past him into the sitting room.

Sirius looked at James, now hoisting the tray into his arms. 'Can I do anything?'

James shook his head, started walking out of the kitchen. 'Absolutely not. We got it.'

It was weird, watching James carry the tea tray into the sitting room, grumbling to himself as he tried not to spill the pitcher of milk he'd filled up just a bit too high. They'd gotten so used to not using magic, they had, and it was weird for Sirius to watch them at it, to remember that this James was the same one that had spent a month apparating every few feet just because he could, the one who would sit around and transfigure things for hours for "the fun of it," though Sirius knew that it was actually for practise.

It was weird seeing him like this — it didn't seem _wrong_ , it was just different.

They'd used to duel, used to test out new spells, talk about what they would do if they were in Hogsmeade and the worst happened, used to tell themselves that preparation and practise and skill would keep them from being too scared to do something if they needed to. It had been bravado, a lot of it, but it had also saved their lives. More than once.

Sirius doubted that this James even remembered where his wand was. Bet he could ask him right now, and James would have to actually stop and think about it.

James set the tray down in the centre of the table, poured and passed mugs round, before they all settled into the sofa, James at one arm, Lily curled up against him, and Sirius at the other. All that was missing was Remus, who usually fussed over the tea before Sirius pulled him onto the couch, and Peter who usually sat on the ground and rolled his eyes at the lot of them for being mushy, sentimental prats.

It would have been almost normal if they'd been there. Almost because things weren't quite the same, because he hadn't really been able to look at Remus in months, because he couldn't get rid of the nagging suspicion in the back of his mind.

But here, with James and Lily, it felt almost normal. And almost normal isn't so bad when you're in the middle of a fucking war.

They sipped their tea quietly for a few minutes, James' fingers playing with the ends of Lily's hair, his eyes strangely unfocused behind his glasses. Sirius watched them for a moment, his eyes flicking between Lily's pensive expression and James' too-still features, before he cleared his throat. He leaned over and grabbed the tin of ginger newts off the table, held them over the Lily.

'These always remind me of Minnie,' he said, laughing, 'she always had these in her office, you remember, Prongs?'

James lit up, turned and grabbed a biscuit. 'Yeah,' he laughed, 'she never should have given them to us that one time, would have saved her a lot of biscuits over the years.'

'How many do you reckon we ate?'

'Oh,' James took a bite of his biscuit, 'At least a thousand each.'

'Poor Minnie,' Sirius said, his eyes shining with amusement, 'having to feed us.'

'I think she loved it, really,' James said, finishing his biscuit and leaning across Lily to grab another, 'She would have told us to fuck off otherwise.'

Sirius laughed, nodded, 'Yeah she fucking would've."

They lapsed into silence again, the quiet crunch of the biscuits the only noise between them. There was something off about it now, this quiet, like there were so many things to say that were going unsaid, that were going to remain unsaid — it wasn't like them not to talk about things, not to talk about everything, but they couldn't — Sirius couldn't — he couldn't cross the lines they'd drawn in the sand today, whether unintentionally or not, they were there and he needed to keep it that way.

Everything was fine. Everything was fine as long as they kept behind the line.

'Sirius.'

James' voice had shifted completely in tone from the last time he'd spoken, and the sound of it took Sirius aback. He sounded quiet and solemn and strangely calm, that kind of calm that you get when you're right there on the verge, almost like he had when his parents, their parents, had died, and in that moment, Sirius knew what was coming.

Well, he didn't have specifics, but he had the general idea, and that was enough.

It was enough.

James cleared his throat, and Lily reached over, took his hand. She waited a moment, her eyes on his, but when he didn't start speaking again, she turned to look at Sirius. Her forehead had those wrinkles in, the ones she'd had damn near constantly the month before NEWTS, the ones that were the only clue to the fact that she was absolutely losing her mind.

She was always so calm, so _together_ , and maybe it was only because he always thought of her against James, whose emotions, good and bad and everything else, knew no bounds. Maybe that was it, but he doubted it.

Lily was a lot like Remus, really. A steady, methodical voice with a loud, emotional sidekick.

'Sirius,' she said, and her voice, too, was different, but it was a less noticeable shift than James' had been. The tone was the same, her voice was even — there was just a slight tightness to it, a strain just underneath her words that he probably wouldn't have recognised if he didn't know her as well as he did.

'We wanted to talk to you about Harry.'

She paused, took a breath, and the slight shakiness to it told Sirius everything that he needed to know. He wanted to leave, to just get up right now and walk out, because if he didn't hear the words, if he didn't sit through this conversation, then it never happened, it wasn't real, and he never needed to think about it again.

'You're Harry's godfather, and so it just feels right to tell you what we'd like if we don't make it through the war.'

Lily never was one to skirt around things, but damn if it wouldn't have been nice sometimes.

Sirius cleared his throat, 'I, uh — alright, but I mean — you are _all_ going to be alright, you've got a secret keeper and you're — you're going to be alright.' He laughed, tried to brush it off, but his foot was already bouncing nervously and his heart was hammering so hard in his bloody chest that he couldn't breathe and his laugh had sounded airy and stupid and completely unconvincing and just —

Fucking hell, he needed to get it together.

Lily smiled at him, a kind of soft, pitying smile. 'You know we can't just trust that, Sirius.'

Sirius didn't say anything, just looked at the teacup resting on his knees, tried to stop his leg from shaking so much so that he didn't spill it all over the damn carpet.

It wouldn't take much to clean it up, but he'd promised that he wouldn't destroy the fucking place, so he could at least try his best to stick to that.

'Sirius,' his head snapped up and he met her gaze again. 'I know you don't — ' she took a breath, 'I know you don't want to talk about it, but James and I have been talking about it, _a lot,_ and we need to know that we're on the same page should something happen to us.'

Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but Lily cut across him before he could say anything. 'Just humour us. Please.'

Sirius' mug was trembling on his knee and he gritted his teeth, pressed his forearm harder against his thigh, steadied his hand.

'Alright,' he said, 'yeah, alright.'

Lily nodded, and if he'd been hoping that she would take it slow, that she would ease into the conversation, that she would do anything other than just jump right into it, then he was about to be sorely disappointed.

He never would have hoped something like that anyway. It was fine.

He could handle it.

'You'll take him, obviously, you and Remus,' Lily said, 'and everything in the vault is there for you to use — '

Sirius immediately started shaking his head, 'I'm not taking your money, that's — that's _yours_.'

'Sirius — '

'I know,' he said, and his fucking hand was trembling again, 'I know. Alright, the vault, fine.'

He pushed the mug harder into his knee, planted his heel on the ground, pretended his heel had been nailed to the floor to stop it moving.

'We trust you to keep him safe,' she said, and just then, just for a moment, Sirius saw something flash in her eyes, something that shattered his heart and made it damn near impossible for him to breath, 'if you have to leave England or go into hiding or — whatever you need to do, we trust you.'

'Why?'

He'd regretted it was it was coming out of his mouth, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

Lily raised her eyebrows. 'Do we trust you?'

Sirius shrugged.

Lily reached over and rested her hand on his knee, and he wished she wouldn't. Not because he minded it being there, not because this was unfamiliar territory for them (Lily had always been handsy, nearly as much as James was). No, it was because it was reminding him that this was real, it was punching a hole in his chest and he wasn't sure how he was ever going to begin patching it back up.

'You're his godfather, Sirius. We never would have asked you if we didn't trust you, especially not now. We know you'll do whatever you can for Harry if weren't not… _able._ And he loves you, Sirius, he loves you _so much_. We all do.'

She turned, her hand sliding from Sirius' knee, and looked at James, who nodded from beside her. Sirius thought he was going to say something, _anything,_ but James just pulled in a sharp breath, cleared his throat again.

He seemed calmer than he had at the start — he was moving the normal amount again, like something had unstuck in his brain and was bringing him back. He still had a slightly distant look in his eyes, though, and so Sirius wasn't surprised when Lily started talking again.

'If we're still at war,' Lily's voice broke, finally broke, and James' hand moved instantly, any hesitation and distance in his eyes fell immediately away. James wrapped his arm around her shoulders again. She paused for a moment, took a deep breath.

'We know Harry's at risk, or we think so, you know, based on what Dumbledore's told us, which isn't much.' She laughed bitterly and Sirius frowned.

'I can't believe that he still hasn't fucking said anything,' Sirius said. It felt so good to let the anger seep through him, to drown out all the other emotions jostling around in his chest. The anger was easy, some would say unproductive, but it was _real_ and powerful and so who fucking cares if it was easy. It was justified.

'He's been over here how many times? Why the fuck hasn't he said anything else?'

James laughed bitterly, angrily from Lily's side, and Sirius' eyes were on his at once.

'It's like you've been here listening to Lily and I fret about it, Pads.'

'What've you been thinking?'

James sighed. 'We don't have anything solid,' he said, and his hand began moving over Lily's shoulder as he spoke, his fingertips winding through the ends of her hair again, 'but we're — I mean, Sirius, we've _always_ been a target. We didn't get locked up here and given a secret keeper until Harry was born. Voldemort _has_ to be after Harry.'

'We don't know why,' Lily said, 'And if Dumbledore does, he hasn't said anything. It just seems — I mean, fuck, it seems incredibly stupid to target Harry. He's a _baby_.'

'Are we surprised he's an idiot, though, Voldemort? He thinks blood status _means_ anything.' Sirius laughed, hoped to god and Merlin and everyone else that it would diffuse the tension that had reached a pitch between them, that it would distract them and they could go back to talking about quidditch and Minnie and that new band Lily had been banging on about a few hours before.

'We don't know the details of any of this,' Lily said, 'but James and I… we believe very strongly that he — as soon as he's old enough — ' She sighed, annoyed, started again. 'If the situation is what we suspect it is, I don't know that Harry will be able to be protected in the way that we would want him to be protected. Do what you can, obviously, but don't — don't keep him in the dark, Sirius.'

James nodded from beside her, and when his eyes met Sirius' they had an expression in them that Sirius had only seen a few times before. 'Harry is going to walk through the world with a target on his back and he — '

James paused for a moment, got his bearings again, 'He'll need more protection, but he's also going to need more information, he's going to need to know what's going on.'

Sirius turned his gaze to the space on the sofa between them, traced the lines on the cushions with his eyes, and tried to just breathe. He didn't know what they were on about, didn't know why they'd needed to bring this to him, not now, not when everything was going to be alright.

'He needs to at least understand his options, Sirius,' he looked up at Lily when she said his name, and she was looking at him like that again, like she could feel the things that he was feeling, like she felt for him even as she carried on.

'It might not look like he has options, and hell, maybe he's going to be more like James and I than he already is and he'll be ready to fight the moment he leaves Hogwarts, or, god fucking forbid, he'll be like the two of you, getting into fights with Death Eaters on his bloody motorbike while he's still in school, but whatever this is, whatever the future ends up looking like…. If there's a target on Harry's back, he deserves to know. He _needs_ to know.'

There was something so desperate in her expression, a look that was mirrored in James', even despite the anger that had bubbled up there a few minutes before. She was begging him, they were both begging him, and he couldn't — not now.

'I — ' Sirius made a show of looking down at his watch. It was probably more than was necessary, but he'd always been a little overboard, and who cares anyway, he needed to get the fuck out of there and he needed to do it immediately.

'Shit,' he leaned forward, set his mug back on the tea tray, stood up. 'I've — I forgot that I have a patrol to run. Moody's gonna kill me.'

He saw James narrow his eyes at him out of the corner of his eye, and he knew that James sensed just how much he wanted to escape, knew that this was all complete bollocks on Sirius' part.

That used to work, letting him run off, but Sirius has always been able to come back, to talk about it when he was ready. If he left now, he wasn't sure when he'd be back.

He was sure James knew that, too.

James and Lily stood, walked Sirius out of the sitting room, back to the front door. Lily reached out, took his hands in hers before wrapping him in a hug.

'Just think about it,' she said, 'Please.' She pulled back and her eyes found his again.

His eyes were burning and Sirius took his eyes from hers for a moment, blinked a few times, pulled in a long, slow breath, did everything he could to suppress the shakiness to it, to ignore it when he couldn't stop it. She smiled softly at him again, popped up onto her toes, and pressed a kiss to his cheek, before she turned, cast a look at James that Sirius couldn't see, and walked back into the lounge.

James studied him for a moment, the immensity of everything they'd said, the even heftier weight of the things they hadn't, standing there between them, pressing in on both of them. It had only been a moment before James stepped forward, a barely noticeable instant before James wrapped him in his arms, but it had been there.

The hesitation, the weight, the pressure. It had been there.

James held Sirius for a moment before he pulled back, his hands on Sirius' shoulders.

'We do trust you, Pads,' James said, and his voice was one Sirius knew well, that fierce, bracing tone that he used whenever he needed Sirius to know that he meant every word he was saying.

'Let's just hope it never comes to that, eh?' Sirius smiled, but it was weak, awkward.

James nodded, and they were quiet for a moment, the gentle hum of the silence surrounding them reminding Sirius of all the words they probably needed to be saying to one another. All the words they weren't going to say now that they were back behind the line.

'Be safe,' James finally said, and he squeezed Sirius' shoulders before he let his hands fall back to his sides, 'we love you.'

Sirius nodded, the words on the tip of his tongue, so close that it wouldn't take much to say them, but he knew that beginning, that starting to say anything would open up the fucking floodgates, and so instead of breaking down in the middle of their fucking entry, instead of doing any of the other things that were banging around on the inside of his brain, he nodded, stepped back, and James opened the door.

He could have apparated straight home, it probably would have been the smart thing to do, but he glanced up and down the street and stepped off their doorstep instead. He needed the cool, crisp air against his face, he needed the light, October breeze blowing through his hair, needed to move, to walk, to let himself work out just a little bit of what was churning in his gut now.

And so instead of apparating straight home, Sirius walked up the Potter's street, hands jammed as far into his leather jacket as they could go, and tried to pretend like it was the wind that was making his eyes water.


End file.
